


Occupational Hazard

by TheMirkyKing



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Barduil Secret Santa, Eventual Smut, Hitman AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-09-10 17:42:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8926351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMirkyKing/pseuds/TheMirkyKing
Summary: Bard Bowman had no need for the job except when he found out who the mark was.  Done deal.  That his rival; Thranduil Oropherson, was also involved didn't make it better.  Then again....he'd get back what had been taken from his family, along with the added bonus of being able to pay back Thranduil for their last encounter.  Either way it was win-win for Bowman.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ohmaliciousme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmaliciousme/gifts).



> This is part of the Barduil Secret Santa 2016 for Ohmaliousme!  
> Please forgive any mistakes, typos and general bad writing (Lol).  
> I PROMISE it will be nsfw in later chapers! :D  
> Merry Christmas my dear, I hope you enjoy this first chapter and the rest to follow!

Bard switched his bag from one hand to the other and waited for the cars to pass before crossing the street. He could see that his rival was already at the rendezvous point. Typical, Bard thought as he made his way towards the man. Bard approached the tall blonde man, who leaned against the wall of a bar smoking. The blonde glanced at him, eyes sharp and wary as Bard came to up to him. 

Bard dropped his bag and stuffed his hands into his coat pocket, his left closing around the switch blade there.

‘Oropherson.” Bard muttered as he jerked his chin at the blonde in greeting.

Thranduil Oropherson took a long drag on his cigarette, inspected the nub, before flicking it at Bard and exhaling a plume of smoke at him in response.

Bard removed his hand and brushed off the ash on his jacket, his left hand tightening on the blade. Thranduil lite another cigarette and stared at him. 

“Glad to see you’re still an asshole.” Bard snorted and shook his head. Thranduil’s lips twitched and Bard took that for Thranduil’s version of a smile. Thranduil pushed off the wall and stepped towards Bard, who tensed for whatever Thranduil had planned.

“Knock it off you two!” The gravelly voice of Gandalf Grey, their contact, barked as he approached them. “I’ve got no problem getting two others if you can’t be professional.” Gandalf eyed them both. 

Thranduil stared at Gandalf. Gandalf held his eyes till Thranduil sighed and gave an indifferent shrug and went back to leaning against the wall. Thranduil had the same taciturn attitude as always. Oh, joy! Bard thought. 

“What is that? Is that a yes; I will behave, or okay get someone else?” Gandalf demanded of the blonde. Thranduil studied his cigarette, avoiding eye contact. “Well?” Gandalf insisted.

“Fine!” Thranduil snapped, tossing his cigarette to the ground. “It’s all good.” Gandalf watched him until Thranduil finally met his eyes. “I said it was all good!” He growled; his deep voice rough. Gandalf nodded, satisfied and turned to regard Bard. 

When Gandalf had first approached him about doing a job for him, Bard had said no. Gandalf had told him it was Thorin Oakenshield who wanted him. Bard had still said no. He didn’t need the money, let alone the aggravation of working for the surly man. Then Gandalf told him who the mark was. Simon Smaug. Smaug was a notoriously thief; priceless works of art, gold, and jewels were his preferred choice. And while Smaug was a greedy bastard, he was also a careful one. Many had tried to catch him only to meet their. Now it seemed as if Oakenshield had succeeded in finding the elusive thief. Bard had no choice; there was no way he could pass it up There was more than money involved this time. Finally, he would be able to reclaim what had been taken from his family. 

Bard hadn’t been thrilled to hear that Oropherson would be part of the arrangement, though. They had come up against each other a few times before, an occupational hazard in their line of work. The scar under his eye was a souvenir of their last encounter. Their past conflicts would have to be put aside for now. 

“No problem here.” Bard said holding up both hands in mock surrender. “I hear and obey, oh mighty one!”

“Cut the bullshit Bowman,” Gandalf snarled. “Save your charm for someone who actually gives a fuck!” Bard grinned at him. Gandalf was a wily old bastard but he could still kick ass when he felt like it.

“Grab your gear and let’s go.” Gandalf ordered. Bard picked up his bag, slinging the strap over his shoulder. Thranduil gathered his numerous bags.

“Last I heard,” Bard drawled, “this was a job, not a vacation.” Thranduil straightened and shifted his bags to give Bard the finger. Bard smothered a laugh at the dark look Gandalf gave him. Bard followed as Gandalf set off down the street. Thranduil trailed after them. 

They walked about three blocks before Bard turned and grabbed a bag from Thranduil, muttering; “Fucking slowing us down and these better hold more than clothes.” Once that was done, they made good time, finally arriving at a non-descript car. Bard opened the back seat and threw in Thranduil’s bag and his own before settling into the front seat. Thranduil gave Bard a sour look but put the rest of his bags into the back seat before settling in. Gandalf checked that they were all set and started the car. 

Bard opened the glove box and took out the envelope that was in there. He tucked it away into the inner pocket of his coat. 

“Seems a little light,” Bard commented. A cloud of smoke was blown at him from the back seat. Bard twisted around to glare at Thranduil. Thranduil raised a dark-brow and inhaled deeply and again sent another jet of smoke his way. “Nice…” Bard growled and turned back around, rolling down his window.

“Oropherson!” Gandalf warned. Thranduil sighed in irritation but cracked the window, blowing smoke out it instead. Bard bit his lip to keep from chortling. Thranduil was a dangerous, nasty piece of work yet even he wouldn’t push Gandalf. “That goes for you too Bowman.” Bard gave Gandalf a “what did I do look” however he said nothing. Bard sighed and let his head fall back, watching the streets slip by as they speed out of the city towards their destination. Bard’s eyes fell close as the motion of the vehicle lulled him into sleep.

The jerk of the vehicle stopping woke Bard. Bard blinked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He glanced at Thranduil and was glad to see he hadn’t been the only one sleeping. Thranduil yawned and immediately lite up a cigarette and began to gather his bags. Bard got out of the car, stretching, all the while taking in their location. The buildings across the street were newly renovated condos; Erebor Estates. Bard glanced at the building behind him, which Gandalf was going into. It was old and not yet stripped of its old world charm. 

Thranduil had already pulled his bags and was following Gandalf into the building. Bard took another look at the new building before grabbing his bag to join them. They took the stairs to the 6th floor and then made their way down the hall to an apartment that faced Erebor Estates, where Smaug was obviously living. 

Thranduil made a quick sweep of the place, nodded at Gandalf and Bard and they entered. Bard did a check of his own. It was a standard apartment, two small bedrooms, single bathroom, kitchen that was also the dining area and a small living room. The furniture in it was old but in fairly good condition. Bard had stayed in worse places so he had no complaints. This would be home till the job was done. He went back into the living room and parted the curtains. 

“Fifth floor and to the left.” Gandalf informed him. Bard nodded.

“Got it.” Bard responded. The apartment in question was almost level with this one. Perfect for observation and if need be, other actions, but the shades were drawn so nothing to see at this time. “And for sure he’s in there?” Bard asked Gandalf as he let the curtains fall back.

“My sources say that he has been there for some time.” Gandalf stated. Thranduil snorted and Gandalf turned to regard him. When Thranduil didn’t say anything Gandalf looked back at Bard. Bard caught the eye roll that Thranduil gave him. Bard knew what he was thinking. They were wasting their time with job. Bard would waste as much time as it took. Nothing would stop him from this. Bard folded his arms and cocked his head at Gandalf.

“So….” Bard began, “we’re just supposed to babysit this place, till what?” Now that he was so close, he was itching to get on with the job. Gandalf shook his head.

“No,” he began, “as I told you before, you are to provide backup if things should go…..” Gandalf hesitated, “wrong.”

“Have you ever known them not too with that asshole?” Bard inquired. Gandalf grimaced. “And why does it take two of us?” Bard demanded. Bard couldn’t figure out why Thranduil was part of this job, it wasn’t really his style. Plus, Bard vaguely remembered something about Thranduil having done a job for Thorin once which had ended badly between them. Gandalf glanced at Thranduil before replying.

“It wasn’t really the plan,” Gandalf stated. Bard gave Thranduil a sideways look. So Thranduil had demanded to be on this job. Once again Bard wondered why. Gandalf went on. “Nevertheless, it works out. Oakenshield wants to ensure that nothing happens to the person who will be reclaiming his property.” Thranduil made a noise of contempt at that.

“Since when does Oakenshield give a fuck about others?” Bard exclaimed. When Gandalf didn’t reply Bard prodded him. “Okay, so who is it and why the special treatment?” Gandalf fidgeted, his bushy brows drawn together. Thranduil’s eyes sharped at Gandalf’s behavior.

“Ummm….Bilbo Baggins.” Gandalf finally said. Bard shrugged. He had never heard of the man but Thranduil’s reaction to the name surprised him. Thranduil hurled his cigarette to the floor and in a cloud of smoke, shoved past Gandalf and into the room he had put his bags in, slamming the door. Bard and Gandalf exchanged looks.

“I’m guessing he doesn’t like the man much.” Bard sniffed. Gandalf gave Bard a look of disbelief , shaking his head at him.

“You really are an idiot Bowman!” Gandalf exclaimed as he turned and went to the front door. 

“Never said I wasn’t, but I am one hell of a shot!” Bard called out, winking at Gandalf. “And speaking of being a good shot…..” Gandalf whirled around, cutting him off.

“Don’t worry Bowman.” Gandalf huffed. “You’ll get paid either way.” 

“That wasn’t what I meant at all.” Bard said feigning offence. 

“Like hell you didn’t!” Gandalf sneered. “’It feels a bit light’, you’re not exactly subtle.”

“Well, it does, especially if it’s supposed to be payment for the two of us.” Bard replied with a shrug.

“That is just for living expenses, so don’t go throwing it around.” Gandalf informed him. “If you run out, tough shit, you’re on your own.” Gandalf lowered his voice, jerking his thumb at Thranduil’s door, “Champagne tastes and all that!”

“Okay, but you still haven’t answered my question.” Bard said.

“Half will be wired to the account you gave me and the rest at the conclusion of the job. Along with the other item we discussed.” Gandalf answered. Bard glimpsed at Thranduil’s door and began to speak but Gandalf held up his hand to stop him. “Payment will be the same for both of you and it won’t matter who takes him out, satisfied?” Gandalf demanded. Bard nodded.

Both jumped a bit when Thranduil yanked open his door and with a glare at both of them, went down the hall and into the bathroom, slamming that door too. Gandalf rolled his eyes at Bard.

“That is if you don’t kill each other first.” Gandalf declared. 

“I’ll make no such promise!” Bard laughed. “Let’s just hope that Baggins is able to get this job done quickly.” Bard leaned forward to whisper. “So why did Oropherson want this job?” 

Gandalf raised a brow and drew himself up. “If you want to know that, you’ll need to ask him!” And with that Gandalf turned and let himself out of the apartment. 

“Thanks for fucking nothing.” Bard grunted in disgust as Gandalf shut the door. He’d have better luck asking a rock about Thranduil’s motive then the man himself. Bard wandered back to the living room, pausing to listen at the bathroom door. It sounded like Thranduil was filling the tub for a bath. Bard tapped on the door.

“I need to use the loo.” Bard said, not actually needing to but wanting to tweak with Thranduil. 

“Fuck off!” Came the muffled response. Bard sniggered as he went into the living room and flopped down on the couch. He was surprised that Thranduil had actually responded. 

Bard stretched out, lacing his fingers behind his head. Bard contemplated what other things he could do to annoy Thranduil. A smile spread on his face as an idea formed. God’s knows how many days, or possible weeks, they would be cooped up with each other. Bard planned to make the most of being able to vex his rival. Bard needed some sort of diversion while waiting for his skills, or Thranduil’s, to be put into use. And there was this Bilbo Baggins. How this man had seemed to rattle Thranduil Oropherson out of his cold and aloof demeanor, was an interesting development. Bard hummed in delight. Now he just needed to goad Oropherson enough that he confessed why he had taken this job or killed him. Either way, Bard wouldn’t be bored.

“What a fucking way to live!” Bard chuckled as he closed his eyes and letting his musings drag him down into a pleasant nap.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bard wakes to some new developments and Thranduil is able to get a few good digs at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gods, I am terrible about updating fic's! This is short but I hope it amuses!  
> Further sass betwee these two :D

_Bard ran, faster then he had ever done in his life. Behind him he could hear the howling of wolves. They had their prey in sight and the end was not far off. Bard knew if he could just make it to the next building he would be safe. His cry of triumph turned to a shout of fear when he turned the corner to the building and found it was a dead end. Bard frantically scanned the walls that seemed to press closer and closer just like the howls. Bard scrambled to find some sort of finger or toe hold and be able to climb but the walls were smooth. Bard could hear the click, click, click of the wolves nails as they came closer. Bard’s breath whistled harshly in his ears as he turned to come face to face with Thranduil Oropherson. Bard drew his gun so slowly as Thranduil’s hand flashed up, blade lashing out as his other hand raised a gun, pulling the trigger…. ___

__Bard jerked awake, knife out and pressed against Thranduil’s throat. Thranduil’s eyes narrowed and Bard felt the barrel of the gun at his temple._ _

__“Easy Bowman.” Thranduil rumbled, cigarette dancing on his lips as he spoke. “You were having a nightmare, I was just trying to wake you up.” Bard let his hand drop at Thranduil’s words. Thranduil slowly eased away, slipping the gun back into the holster. Bard sat up, running an a hand over his face, taking a moment to shake off the dream. Thranduil watched him closely._ _

__“I wasn’t having a nightmare, thank you!” Bard snapped, not wanting Thranduil thinking he was prone to them. That wouldn’t do at all. “It was a erotic dream, I’ll have you know. A rather dirty one at that!” Thranduil cocked a brow in disbelief._ _

__“You were moaning and crying out.” Thranduil stated. Bard flashed him a cheeky grin._ _

__“Of course I was!” Bard exclaimed. “The things you were doing to me...” Bard shook his head and gave a low whistle. “You put the pro’s to shame.” Bard winked at Thranduil, who rolled his eyes and stood up._ _

__“That’s as close as you’ll ever get Bowman!” Thranduil sneered. “In your dream, or should I say… wet dreams?” Thranduil jeered. Bard gave Thranduil the finger. Thranduil snorted and moved back to the surveillance equipment that he had set up. Bard stood up and peered over Thranduil’s shoulder at the monitors. Thranduil tensed._ _

__“Don’t’ worry,” Bard snorted, “your not that tempting.” Bard hummed in approval at the display, cameras pointed at their target. “Good to see you actually did something useful.”_ _

__“One of us had too!” Thranduil snarked, “If I waited for your sorry ass to wake up, I’d never get anything done.”_ _

__“Hmmmm, such stimulating viewing.” Bard said, scratching his chin. “Nothing like drawn curtains to really keep one glued to the monitor!”_ _

__“Better then watching you snoring the night away.” Thranduil muttered. Bard rolled his eyes but didn’t bite. Instead he stretched and wandered into the kitchenette._ _

__“Couldn’t have gone and got food?” Bard gripped as he shut the fridge door. Thranduil gave Bard the finger without turning. Bard grinned. He went down the hall and grabbed his jacket. “So I guess I’ll got those?” He called out, waiting for a response which he didn’t get, so he came back to address Thranduil’s back. “Any request?”_ _

__“Go fuck yourself.” Thranduil supplied and lit another cig with the butt of his last._ _

__“Maybe later, for now I think I will go get some food.” Bard slipped on his jacket. “Last chance to give me your grocery list.” Thranduil turned, eyes cold and curled his lip in disgust. Bard thru up his hands. “So be it!” He said and left the apartment._ _

__He clattered down the stairs and out, crossing the street. He paused to read the info about the unit, knowing that Thranduil was probably going spar at this. Bard made sure to scratch his ass as he leaned over to read the small print. He turned and flashed a grin before sauntering down the street and disappearing around the corner._ _

__Bard returned a few hours later, arms loaded with grocery bags. He was mildly surprised when the front door to the apartment opened. He glanced around and saw a small camera was now installed in the corner pointed directly at the door, another down the stairwell. Once again, Thranduil had been busy while he was gone._ _

__“Thanks.” He mumbled as Thranduil stood aside so he could pass down the narrow hallway. Bard dumped the bags on the table. He went and checked out the new feeds. Along with the interior of their building, the front entrance and back were now being watched. Bard looked over as Thranduil rooted thru one of the bags, face sour until he found the carton of cigarettes._ _

__“What….no hidden camera over my bed?” Bard said in mock sadness. “Here I thought you would want some naughty viewing to keep yourself entertained.” Bard grinned at Thranduil as he came into the kitchen and began to unpack the groceries. Thranduil snorted and shook his head._ _

__“There isn’t surveillance equipment out there that could detect what you call your prick!” Thranduil quipped as he tucked the carton under his arm and turned to go to his room. He paused, turning back to Bard, face perplexed. “Except, can something that small be called a cock?” Thranduil questioned. “More like a Tootsie Roll perhaps?” Thranduil laughed as he left Bard fuming, clutching the bag in his hands._ _

__“Yeah, well it’s a king sized Tootsie Roll!” Bard spat out. “And you’d still choke on it!”_ _

__“I don’t eat candy!” Thranduil gleefully called back._ _

__“God damn it” Bard snarled and crumpled the bag, hurling it down the hall as Thranduil’s door slammed shut. He practically served himself up for that one! He hated letting Thranduil get the better of him. He yanked open the fridge. A sly smile curved on his lips as he began to put away the groceries._ _

__Thranduil had scored one, okay, no big deal. Bard had a few tricks up his sleeve. Thranduil might not eat candy but Bard knew who would be doing the cooking. Mealtimes were going to be very entertaining. Oh, yes, Mr. Smokes A-Lot was going to get a real treat! Bard’s mood lifted, and he began to hum happily as he finished putting away the groceries that Thranduil hadn’t seen. Oh, yes…..Thranduil was about to be served up some very tasty payback._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to actually write more, so please forgive any typos, ect. If you see any major glaring issues, let me know. I need a beta reader badly! :D 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading. 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos make my day!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, as always, comments and kudos make my heart fill up three times it's size!


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